So where are you now J? wandering aimlessly in my unavoidable lust for the unknown happiness that awaits. after 19 years I feel in lack of a true purpose. though the beauty of life itself may astound me, I feel my neglect for happiness will soulshake the smile i once held in account to those I'll never know. the bloody tribunal that will mistake me for a raconteur. such paralysis of my mind. the enveloped prime of my dedicated youth so demoralized through non familiar crimes and the usage of treasonous deliberation. I lack the time. I lack the effort. I lack the dedication, the heart, the charisma, the soul itself to reach out for help. because I fear I may just end up alone in this empty house. my insides burn the very karma I bestow upon myself. I can;t pass up the chance to diminish my conscience through sleep, and substance. only to fear the feeling itself of giving myself up to the ignorant bliss that other people seem to thrive so jauntily off of. I'm a growing pain with a stunted growth of my delicate delicate feverish reality. like the shivering on a cold winter day while summer sits in his somber waiting post. to warm me but melt me into the puddle of shit I so do find myself in.I no longer know what I want. whether it be acceptance or the belief that I even can be accepted or just to be depended on though I know I constantly let people down. and why is that? maybe my lowered standard i found on myself became my high standards for others. or perhaps I really can't be the friend people want me to be. and vice versa. oh how I wish I could go back to a time when this wasn't so damn difficult.
I just want to breathe without exhaling the scent of my own mind vomit about to purge with every aching moment my eyes sore at the blink of the sight of what I can't find any sense of joy in.
I want to see again.....
I just want to sense something. something real.....
If only.
