Amour Fou.

He sat there, Gazing at empty pages... pages he could fill, fill with his mind, his thoughts, his dreams.., but he began to wonder if he could even make words of it, make sense of it all. no matter the fact, he couldn't limit himself to the lines on the paper or the undoubtedly enticing pen that he knew would write smooth dark words on the bleach white. but the pages and pen sat there. lay next to his side as he sat cross legged on his bed. lamp light floods the corner of his room but leaves enough darkness for him to see past his reflection of his window. out into the night sky, he stares at the moon sitting there, delicate, beguiling him. he looks back at the page. writes four words. rips it out crumbles the paper. repeat. repeat. repeat. draws crooked lines. draws the moon. hands shaking. coffee grind. stops... rip and crumble. what thoughts that may be made, what thoughts that linger, he begins to realize hes talking to himself. he smirkingly puts down the journal.
laughs a little.

exhale...

"shit, Why am I such a fucking mess?"

...eyes close.

Father... Confide in me.

a quick gleam of swollen eyes.

Agape.

- Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

this was my new years letter to you.

Your words, over and over again... Letting every little detail, and niche affixiate in the confines of my mind. Sinking my soul to the utterly confused man I’ve become since you left.

Or maybe the man I’ve always been when It came to you.

Cara mia, you’re the only girl that held my attention without any ounce of doubt in my mind. The only one who can sway my conscience into such disparity to where my words fall short of my voice. The only one whom I’ve openly let tear down the walls I separate myself from anyone else but Christ. I didn’t want to change you, I feel like I hardly even changed you. You’re too strong willed and hard headed. Nonetheless we shared moments that fear I will never find in anyone else, but I won’t hold others accountable to it. It’s just, you’re right.I hold your words as true. Maybe ripping the pages bitterly but the print stays on my hands and just doesn’t wash off. I can’t be content in coexisting in some less involved fashion. My Pride refuses to be platonic. my mind refuses to reach out to you. My heart longs to exchange our words. To find you in the morning under tall trees sitting on concrete squares out by the water. A bench the reiterates my mind every time I see it. My own god damn car, and the passenger seat that only you decided to sit backwards in. on and on and closer we became. I’m sorry I ever got violent, but I’d never have raised my hand at you.

We’ll find each other again maybe when we’re both finally happy; or maybe when we end up digging our way of the same hole. Nonetheless, I still can’t wrap my mind around it, why my mind and my heart slaughter each other in efforts to let go, or to hold you closer. I’m sorry. I really wish I could have been better about this. But I’ll never be sure when it comes to you, and I think I’ve accepted that. Happy New Year baby girl. Always keep that smile. And take care of yourself. I’ll keep the coffee on and we’ll catch up.

-J

Hey nightmares.

Standing… On a fine line. What separates the heart from the mind? and what con-vexing destruction does man commit in such delicate paralysis? were are not just human beings. we are souls of the grace bound illumination. and we feel. we bleed. In such aspiration, one can only begin to wander. aimlessly. blindly.. we choke on our ribs. We’re drowning in the water.

For once in my life may I ask? Is it okay to be afraid?

Oh insides. how could you?