Empty picture frames.

I’m sorry its taken me a while to respond to you. To be completely honest I haven’t had much time to really do anything besides school.I see you’ve been doing well, living, breathing, learning, experiencing.

I’m glad you’re out there doing new things.

I’ve been keeping myself busy, which seems to be the perfect excuse to shut my mind off and leave it behind. I sort of damn myself when you cross my mind. I’ve read what you wrote over and over and I’m still unsure of what you meant by shutting out that part of our lives…

I thought about calling. I almost feel as though I forgot how you're voice sounds. I miss talking to you, to hear the thoughts that dwell in that mind of yours. memories of conversations still keep me awake at times. And how i feel like I'll never have that with anyone else. I know its foolish to think but its not like I haven't been talking to other people. It's just not you. my mind doesn't find comfort in others as well, for now at least. or maybe I'm still a little reluctant to let others.

Then Tuesday came and I got kicked out of my house. This time its relatively permanent and I’ve been at Anthony's.. I’m alright and you need not worry. It was a stupid argument and now my dad just doesn’t want to do with me for now. Things will change soon I’m sure.Sad to say that all I could think was how glad I was that you got out when you did. I know I was a lot to handle and never made things easier. I know I’m a mess. I know how much it killed you to see me hurt. And even if you're still here I couldn't let the weight of my woe sink you're joy filled soul.

Tonight in this guest room bed I found your hair tie from when I lived here with Anthony. and as though I stopped breathing my head violently swung into memory. And I thought of sitting at your window seat with the blinds creasing the sunlight into your kitchen. you in my arms.... silent.

I'm sorry, I'm only being honest ...

Its been cold. And I’ve thought about how this autumn season would have been spent with you. If I could take you one last time to that paw marked bench. two cups of dark roast in hand. and just listen. listen to you pour your thoughts. Oh C... I'd just about die.

I don't have many choices right now. I feel like all I can do is really let you alone..I’m just glad you’re doing alright. I'm happy for you.

I’m getting there as well just a bump in the road. Its not really a contest on who’s better than the other. I just thought it was a little fucked up that everything seems to be falling apart. Talking to others about this has been a lot different but I know its what I need.

Or I’ll just find ways to stay busy. Stay distracted.

I know this letter is terrible. It's been a long week I guess.

I just couldn’t keep you at bay, and in a sense I just want to hear from you.

if you ever want to stop writing. just let me know.

just always keep that smile babe,

-J

- J

I really hope,

You're doing alright,

It's cold today. The kind of day we'd go grab a warm drink. talk out by the square, pretend nobody's there. I'd anticipate what you were going to say. Or we'd have the same thought in our mind.... and if we didn't talk. we'd sit in contentment with the silence.

It's probably against my best judgment to write this. you're a cancer that overwhelms the back of my mind. or maybe it was just that smile or those eyes. or because of the times.

Sometimes, I know I can't do this. I can't seem to look anywhere these days. I gloss my eyes over and let the deceiver move in me. The happy me that everyone sees, you would see right though that fake smile. for better or worse.

I feel you, but I can't see you.

or I just might die.

I broke down in the shower today. such an odd place to let go. but it left no evidence of my hardened heart gone fickle and faint. then you dry off and walk away.

I know you're alright. I'm sorry my mind wanders off. I'll leave it here. I've left it there, in everywhere I can no longer look at. I'll leave us there. I'll find you later hopefully... just know if I could take my selfish pride and cast it aside and find us platonic I would. I intend on it. no one quite knows me the way you do.

I'm leaving for a bit, but I'll be home soon.

leave the coffee on...

Sometimes always,
- J

p.s.
I said I'd write.

captains log... drought.

I've realized how fickle my control over myself in the aspects of my conscience and my emotions.
Knowing how I try to endure all my struggle with no sense of relief has caused me to see that I've hardened myself.
Having had told you so much and letting some of this sustained storm pass I've begun to see that sharing woe isn't always a bad thing given that person is willing to lighten some of the weight.buts its not really about sharing it. It was coming to the conclusion that my approach to handling my problems was naive and improper.
I've got the power of communication given the right listener so why not select the listeners that determine my happiness?
Not confronting, but approaching.. in general. I wanted the chance without making the efforts. and when I made the effort, but wasn't seeing the results I intended or expected.
I collapsed.
and that was last week...


I'm now eighteen years old. I want the respect of an adult, but I wasn't going to get it acting like a child.
and so from last night. from now on.
I've got to step out of my comfort zone, and man up to my responsibilities as well as my problems. Finding compromise, within reason. and learning to communicate better.
Change.. It scares me, but its the only way to make things different...

This seems like a journal entry..
its my blog I can write what I want.
although I do miss creative writing.

sometimes always,
J