Captains Log.... Wind bound.

I don't find myself on here as often as I used to...
Today,
is Halloween. A day of deceivers. that's about it.
I can't explain whats bogging my mind. I'm just lost in everything right now.
I question the choices I'm making. I'm really not in the mood to write anymore.
I've got to get it together. Ive got to keep this together.
I'm burying myself in all of this. I'm not trying to take you with me.
there's such weight between you and I. My heart swells heavy. I know you know.
I can't manage this one out. I can't bring us out.
This just, Kills a man inside.
Awful..... Awful is my conscience.
awful is my guilt.
Awful is my disability.
Awful is this writing.
Awful am I.
Just, No.
Mind... Where did you hide? And can you go away again....
So much more. So little to describe it.
J. We're not kids anymore.
Pale moonlight. why does the sun come out when the night feels so serene.
I'm losing it.
Rant, Vent, observe, perceive, ponder, wonder, forget, believe.
But trust me when I say. I'm crazy.
Such a blank expression such dull lifeless eyes. is this a mirror or a funeral viewing....
Hey... If you ever read this, I need you.

It was this.

It was taking this step, this is what I've needed. for you to understand and i just needed to reach out. I hope things will get better after this. I hope one day we'll meet each other and both smile. and let them be real smiles. I've fought you for far too long. I dont want to regret living a life without really trying for this. without really understanding. Ive been stubborn, prideful, reluctant. but its going to change as I get older. Please let this be the right decision. please God keep this direction from swaying keep my mind at ease and at comfort. this is new this is different.

keep it up J.

Captain's Log, South wind..

All this change has been riveting. I wasn't sure about it all at first. But as I look around, I'm beginning to really enjoy myself. The people I'm meeting are so open so much more real it seems.
And no one that I expect to talk to are the ones that approach me. I don't know how all of this is going to tie up or unravel, But I really like the spontaneity of it. Its refreshing. Almost as if I'm not as lonely as I had anticipated. I dont know If I'm doing everything right, in fact I'm almost positive I'm not. But I think i just had a rough start, I didn't think of time to level out. Now I'm finding direction, picking people up as I go, letting them off when they've found their own roads. Accepting life's changes are always really difficult for me.
The Good Times.... are killing me.

A tale told thousands of times.

Oh mind you give me no reconciliation.
Always choosing the best of times to break me down.
there will be no Cessation this battle between you and I.
What woes that weigh, what burdens that carry.
What heart that strains, what joy is buried.
what man that breaks..
abeyance. dormancy.
Not the place that I should be.
Have I ignored the tell tale life?
Have I lost in this strife..
come home dear mind. come home dear heart.
What should work together, I've always set apart.
I've already channeled out what you want to read.
Honestly I do not see the need,
In venting to you through text and script.
This is the aftermath. that first breath after a storm.
Are they yours to bear with me?
No.
And I don't feel right letting the weight of it crush you.
But I know your there. please be there. when I decide to let go.
and I'll see you soon.
show me.

So long,
Its only a time in a dozen.