I'm really not sure what I'm about to say, I figure if I just keep typing I can make sense of it when its all out in front of me. so what have I been up to for the past nine or ten months? Jonathan you've really taken the toll on yourself. creating voids in your mind that keep her there. keep her close. you put walls up to protect it from doubt. but doubt isn't an invading army that plans to siege. I'ts a rain that floods those walls. washing away your rational mind, your expectations, your comfortability. so what keeps me here. You've been the metaphors I cant create to comprehend this curse called love. I'm not sorry I fell in love. I'm sorry that you cant fall in love with me, and that I couldn't help in any way. I've given you all that I am its hard to accept giving it to anyone else.
I was a captain, you were the sea (appropriately), & Love was the ship.
And as long as the ship sailed then the correlating relationship would remain. I don't even know what I'm writing any more. I'm just trying to find my reasoning and where I stand. It kills me to love you, I really cant help it though. I just don't want to confine you I don't want to keep grounded when you want to be up in the air. so this is me opening the door to you. Go live your life find your happiness and know that I wasn't the definition made for you.
come home when you need to. I'll meet you halfway no matter where in life we are.
Find it in yourself. find God in your life. find Grace, find Hope, find Love.
wherever it lies C, its out of my hands.
so smile at me, and I'll smile back.
I'll raise this white flag and we'll make it someday.
so turning points, I'll take the road less traveled by, and I think I can make it; not on my own but with the grace of a Savior. I've abandoned my first love. so I'm retracing my steps. looking to the lighthouse you keep lit to guide me back.
But what love have I discovered? and what have I learned? I can't find any regret, but I found hurt. and yet, I don't want to feel like I'm weighing the good with the bad that was never us. but who were we? we were lovers, we were friends, we were adversaries, and significant others. you meant something to me so everything that went along with us, I would embrace no matter the circumstance or conditions. spaces between the happiness and the hardness.
Truth be told, I don't want to let you go. I want to stay here, But I can't let myself limit you. I'm too selfish, I'm too prideful. Maybe I want what you could not give me.
So Will I let you go? Its my choice to make because I know you couldn't answer.
And even at the end I bear the decision nor would I want you to have to make it.
So wherever we find ourselves in these next numbered days....
I want to say, it all.
I loved everything about you. the way you smiled, the way your hair smelled, your contrasting hands, your ears, your collar, your legs, your back, the constant knots in nape of your neck, kissing your forehead, kissing your nose, the way our noses touched while forehead to forehead before saying goodbye, holding half of your hand, holding all of your hand, the warmth of your legs entangled in my own, your delicate skin embellished by freckles and mosquito bites, how hyper you get when you drink coffee, the face you make when I'm picking on you, when you call me an asshole for it...
But all things aside, without any physical adornments I fell in love with your mind..
how natural it felt to share my mind with you, to say something you were thinking, to feel connected, to be comfortable, I love you because you broke down the walls I kept building from you, because you demanded all of me, we could always talk about everything and anything. I've never met a mind that mine so closely craved for, I look back to memories of conversations, and I cant imagine ever finding that in anyone else....
so the hardest thing to lose, is the sole connection of our intertwining minds. but maybe its not what you need.
So if I want anything, I hope that while you and I were well together.. That you felt safe, that you were comfortable, and that you trusted me. I know you couldn't be in love but I'm glad I got the taste of what your love could be. I saw the whole world in your eyes, what a glimpse.
you were the best in me at times, and the ever present reflected smile on my face or in my heart. I found a lot of joy in you.
I feel like I could say so much right now.
But I'm dried out.
Sometimes,
Jonathan.
P.S
they'll never take the good times.
and I wont hold the bad against you.
All my love.
No comments:
Post a Comment